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In love with a straight girl

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I'm a lesbian although I have never been in a relationship with anyone else before. For the past few years I have been in love with a straight girl, my best friend. Apart from her being straight, I suspect she is homophobic, because bringing up this subject in any form disgusts her.

We are both Muslims, but neither of us are religious. Her family are much more open minded than mine. I am not so worried about my family finding out because it's unlikely that they ever will. Right now the only thing that keeps me sleepless is how I can pursue this relationship with the woman of my dreams.

I found this forum on Facebook and thought I will try my luck in finding lesbians who can relate. What happens when we fall in love with a straight person, or worse, a homophobe? .

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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
    Experience

    I can relate to this, as it happens to pretty much every lesbian. In my situation I realized that I simply needed to get over her. Maybe you can come out to her at some point, if she is really your best friend then her homophobia should not interfere in how much she cares for you. I wouldn't recommend you expressing your feelings towards her shortly after coming out because it would be too much for her to grasp. Try to accept the reality that nothing could come out of this if you felt that your feelings towards her are not mutual. For some of us these things remain fantasies. The pain of losing her over being too truthful is far worse than the idea of you not being able to pursue an actual relationship.

    This is easy to say and difficult to execute, but in my case it did work even if it took years. Some people I just knew I'd never be able to have a relationship with or even come out to even if I was in love with them.

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    Anonymous
    Comment

    This is risky. Do not do it. And do not pursue anything romantic with her. Just don't. I know it's difficult, but don't do anything u will regret later. In my experience, people may seem open-minded but they really are not.They may be open-minded about hijab, not homosexuality.

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  • 25-34_m_w_h4_f4
    Advice

    I have been in love with a straight man before and I have to agree with everyone else in saying you have to get over this somehow. After a certain point, it becomes unhealthy for both you and the friendship itself. Unrequited love is the most painful of its kind, but it shouldn't give you the false hope that will put you at risk, as someone else has mentioned, or through any more pain than you're already in.

    You have to get over her, because even if it sounds impossible right now, we have all been there and we all came out of it stronger and in better relationships. This is a learning experience, nothing more.

    • 17-24_m_b_h3_f1
      Experience

      Samir is right. We've all experienced it. Some knew themselves well enough to get out of it before it starts hurting. I made the mistake (I don't know if I regret it or not, to be honest) of getting involved with a straight man. Involved meaning it got quite serious (at least on my side), from his side it was an MSM thing. It became certain to me now, just a few weeks back, that it was an MSM thing for him.

      This was something like 4-5 years ago. Yes, it hurts and still does. (Sorry, Joon, I don't want to seem melodramatic about it all.) Yes, he's the man of my dreams, if I had to choose a person, any person, to get married to and have a life with, it would be him, but he doesn't see things that way. In the end, I'll have to respect the fact that he wants a life very different from what I can offer him. I can't give him a womb, not even if I tried. I'm not over it yet, but at least I'm at good standing with him. He seems to respect me (maybe even pity me for falling for him).

      If you are aware that this person doesn't see it that way, then don't put yourself in that painful situation. (It is painful, I don't mean emotional, my left arm aches. Maybe it's emotional pain manifested in my arm, I don't know.)

      At the end of it all, you'll end up giving only what you can offer: a hope that they get good things, even if it's with someone else.

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    • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
      Comment

      Thank you for sharing that BlueS. That is very helpful. It looks like I am in for a painful ride. I hope I am not going to be in the position of continuously falling for straight women. You are right, in the end if we really love this person their happiness should be enough for us to walk away with our dignity still intact. We will never be able to offer them what they are truly looking for. I guess a part of me will keep wishing for miracles.

      Out of curiosity, did you ever fall in love again? Do you see yourself ever moving on and being happy with someone else, or will something always be missing?

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    • 17-24_m_b_h3_f1
      Comment

      No, actually, I haven't moved on from that experience. I still do wish for miracles, but I don't believe such things ever occur. I did fall in love a few times since. Heh. Once with a young guy who said, "I don't want to be associated with your kind." That one didn't last much after that sentence.

      The man I'm with now (who has many more years of life experience than I have) described it clearly at some point when I first started dating him: Those thoughts will always be there, you just learn to live with them. He said he hasn't really moved on from his own similar experience. You learn to live with it. I do feel it very often, I do try to keep it clear in my head that these things are alright. I am trying to live with it. I'm not pushing the emotions away. They're a part of my experience and memory now.

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    • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
      Comment

      That's exactly how I expect to end up. I am already preparing myself for the heartache of learning about her being with someone else. The thought of it kills me and makes me jealous beyond what words can express. I am trying to get used to thinking of her the way one of the commenters here suggested, which is to consider this to be a mere fantasy. I just wonder if it's still healthy to maintain communication and a close friendship with her while putting my feelings aside, which I am worried I might accidentally expose somehow. Is it advisable to spend less time with her? You mentioned you maintain some level of contact in your experience, but is it the kind of friendship where you speak and see each other every day?

      At the moment that's how it is for me. I talk to her every day, we hang out all the time. This is easy for me as she's still single and I don't have to her about her relationship with anyone else, but soon this might not be the case anymore and I'm not sure how I can bring myself to deal with that. I feel that I need to limit my friendship but at the same time I can't stay away from her.

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    • 17-24_f_b_h2_f4
      Advice

      I know it's easier said than done, but you two (Joon and Blue S, that is) need to give love another chance. You two owe it to yourself to love and be loved.

      So your first loves didn't end so well, mine didn't either and even though I'm kinda pessimistic about the future I believe that there is someone better out there. It may seem impossible, but if you would let yourself, you'll get over the pain eventually. You'll move on and be happy. I really believe that and so should you. You guys deserve the absolute best.

      Joon, you will need to create a distance between you two eventually. The thing about distance is that it gives you a different perspective and that just may help you get over her, or at least accept and come to peace with your situation.

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    • 12-16_m_b_h3_f4
      Experience

      I think it's not that either of them feel they can't be loved, but that they can't be loved by a particular person because this person is straight or preferred to live a straight life. Many of my biggest crushes were on bicurious men who ended up getting married which broke my heart. I understand that in the end they chose the easiest path instead of having to fight a battle. This is the life that they chose and I had no choice but to let them live it, it does feel crazy though to see a loved one move on so quickly to a life they don't even fit in. Unfortunately, sometimes an experience is about sex and not real love. You fall in love with this person and expect a life together, but it ends up being about a daring experiment.

      In other situations, you don't even get a chance because as Joon says, the person is homophobic and the feelings aren't mutual. There is no hooking up, no kissing, no dates, but just developing feelings for this person from a distance. I have been in your shoes many times Joon and it takes a long time until these thoughts stop hurting, as BlueS says you just have to learn to live with it and to move on to others!

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    • 17-24_m_b_h3_f1
      Experience

      Joon: I do maintain some level of contact with him. It's not a lot; I don't see him every day, or every week. He lives in another city. Last time I saw him was a month ago, before that it was almost 2 years. Our contact is largely phone-based. (The reason I saw him last month was because I braved my fears of meeting him, and driving all the way. Meeting him in person was not painful while it lasted, it was painful afterwards.) I don't know. It's painful and difficult to describe. I wish I knew how to deal with it.

      Imirna: Just like Kuwaitilove said, it is an issue that the person we love wants a different life. I'm trying to live with it. I'm all open for something nice, as long as it's something that I feel would last a significant amount of time.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    Straight girls, the bane of my existence. I can totally relate to what you're going through and I agree with Samir that unrequited love is the most painful kind of love.

    You can try and change her mind by educating her and exposing her to a more open-minded way of thinking. But that will only help you keep your friend after you come out to her, that is, if you do. I know you're hopeful that somehow things will change but this is the one thing that won't. She's straight. Just like you were born homosexual, she was born straight. There is no future there, and you have to do what's best for you and get over her.

    One last thing, be really, really careful. Accept that there is a huge possibility that she will out you to your parents, most probably in an attempt to 'help' you.

    I hope things go well for you. It may seem horrible now, but you're stronger than you think and you'll be fine You'll find someone who will love you right back and you don't want to miss out on that.

    Reply to Edel
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  • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
    Comment

    Wow, I did not expect this many thoughtful responses. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice with me. I have to be honest and note that I wasn't too happy to hear that I have to get over her, because a part of me doesn't want to. I know that it's either this or losing her forever, which is a much more hurtful option.

    Samir, thanks. This gives me hope. I am glad you managed to get over him. I wish I can do the same sooner, because the more time I spend around her the more my feelings for her intensify, and the more unrealistic it seems for me to get over her.

    Reply to Joon
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  • 25-34_f_b_h2_f3
    Advice

    Hi Joon, don't get over her. How can you get over someone that you will always wonder about and dwell on? In my experience, as a straight person who has been approached by a lesbian before, you creating distance with her right now will only allow you to have this "last" amazing image of her. Your feelings for her seem genuine and deep. If you feel blood rushing to your face, cold and hot sweats, nausea, anxiety and stomach ache each time you think of losing her, to her or to someone else-- then you are in love. Don't waste your time wondering. Maybe she needs to understand that being a lesbian isn't necessarily the way it seems out there, trust me straight people have the wrong idea!! Let her know it doesn't mean that you want to have sexual fun with her right away or anything. These things get us straight people fearful and more fearful- EVEN if we are curious to know and to experiment.

    And the curious conservative ones are the worst, they will always be afraid... if you know deep inside that she can tolerate understanding what being gay really is- without jumping into telling her that you're a lesbian, then start there. Think hard of how... maybe a conversation would be too big of a hint.. but maybe you can send her something that you know would touch her- a story. something of the sort.. but please let it not be tragic! Let it be inspirational- to understand people and their souls... to understand that it comes first.

    THEN, if she doesn't tolerate it, and you lose her. Try briefly to save what's left of your genuine friendship... and you WILL get over her THEN and only then..... your perception of her won't be bad nor good.. it will just.. BE.. whatever..

    And eventually you will find someone and she will be a funny memory, a daring thing you had to do for your heart, for yourself and your strong faith and belief.

    • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
      Comment

      That's exactly how I feel when I think about her. When you were approached by a lesbian, how did it feel like? Were you shocked? Disgusted? Is it awkward to maintain a friendship with that person, even if you knew they still had strong feelings for you?

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  • 12-16_f_w_h2_f3
    Comment

    gilr it wont work
    its a simple equation really
    straigtht girls dont turn gay !
    so does it happen vice versa dear
    try not talking to her avoid her till u get over her

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    Anonymous
    Comment

    That saves me. Thanks for being so sesnilbe!

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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f3
    Comment

    this is like the worse thing ever, you have to let her go and move on, because it won't happen, you will bring just pain to yourself if you kept on thinking about her, it's sad i know, but what to do!!!

    Reply to aikho
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    Anonymous
    Comment

    bon courage plzzz can some one help me i did n t undersant anything plzzzzzzzzz

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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
    Comment

    i neva seen a lesb muslim, i was curious, seriously. lol,, im a bi, urrgg im dying to hav one pretty muslim gfriend bi also

    Reply to Bi-fem
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  • Default-avatar
    Comment

    I suggest not to get involved with straight girls, ur only gonnna hurt urself

    • 17-24_f_w_h1_f1
      Advice

      I say go for it and if not khalas forget about her, remember youre only straight till youre not

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  • Well this is my situation right now, what i try to do is...i always talk about LGBT rights with her, try to make her understand that it's natural and nobody chooses to be gay. I thought so many times about coming out to her, but instead i've decided to test the waters first before diving in. I'm going to introduce her to a lesbian friend first and see how she will react, and based upon her reaction i will figure out a way to tell her. that could work for you too, just try to talk with her in this subject first cause most homophobes think gays are aliens...show her that gays are just normal people with different sexuality, and that no sexuality is bad, it's just all different.and the difference lies within the heterosexual community as well, for example, some guys like blond girls, some like Asians..and so on. so sexuality isn't one box that we all try to fit in, it differs from one person to another.
    And Good Luck

    Reply to DarkChocolate3000
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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2
    Experience

    Honey it always starts with the bestfriend xD

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  • 17-24_f_w_h1_f2
    Comment

    Story of my life...

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  • I swear I die everyday because of this! I'm in love with a straight girl.. I can't do anything with it I'm just trying to know how the fuck should I move on with my life and accept the idea that she won't even think of me the way I think of her

    Reply to Themessedupkid
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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
    Comment

    i want some dates? ))

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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    it happens a lot, the only thing you can do is push yourself to get over it and remind yourself that this is not going anywhere.

    Reply to amz
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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
    Comment

    can someone Kik me,

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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f1
    Comment

    Everybody is straight till they're not

    Reply to BerryLu
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  • Straight girls...They are a different story. I'm sure almost every lesbian has fallen for a straight girl at least once in her life, I know I did.

    Reply to Purple-Haze
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  • I HATE TO SAY THIS but falling for a straight girl will only give you heartache, even if you'll have a relationship with her she will leave you the moment she finds a husband, that's a fact and it happened to me
    but if i'm qualified to give an advise it'll be "How straight is she? " some just put on homophobia as a shield to admitting they are gay
    Good luck

    • Default-avatar
      Anonymous
      Comment

      You can't choose who you fall in love with, that's the hardest part

      Sorry that it happened to you!

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    • yep, but we learn from heart breaks and then we start including our brains in the love game

      well i'm grateful that i'm over it now, thanks

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  • 25-34_f_f_h2_f1
    Comment

    who of us whether gay or lesbian have not fallen for the straight best friend

    Reply to Amaranta
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  • 17-24_f_w_h1_f4
    Experience

    I am also in love with my straight best friend, well I knew I had a crush on her before she became my friend but whatever. I'll just take my feelings as a means to develop our friendship. She's not homophobic, she's friends with many people she's just scared of lesbians for some reason Anyway, I can't get over her because now it's more than just a crush, however I am always going to be her loyal friend and maybe I should go and try my luck with someone else.

    Reply to skyestone
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  • 25-34_f_b_h2_f4
    Comment

    Take it from me NEVER TELL HER THAT YOURE A LESBIAN OR BISEXUAL EVEN. one of my very closest friends suspicted that I'm a lesbian so she tried to seduce me I do not know why she did this but I gave her the cold shoulder and acted like nothing wrong after like 3 years I did put a lesbians picture kissing as a display picture on my bbm and this is how she reacted she said " I knew it I knew it I've always thought that you're a lesbian I suspicted you are " I told her yes I am you are my best friend my only close friend I think you should know since we are adults I can be opened about my self with you now. I never had sexual attraction towards her and never will but she's my friend. She didn't accept what I am she said that's a sin and haram and you'll burn in hell for that and all that shit and she treated me like SHIT.
    I'll never forget this.
    Put this in mind those words came from a girl who tried to seduce me a girl who had wild relationships with men.
    So bottom line is never confront straight friends with your sexuality nevertheless your attraction to them they will chew you and they'll spit you out like its nothing.

    Reply to Mahoys
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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    as a gay man i fell in love with my best friend and he was a straight
    guess what ? i lost him as a friend after 11 years of friendship

    Reply to Antologia
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    Anonymous
    Comment

    wow that's sad to hear some of these stories. friends who leave you after finding out youre gay never deserved your friendship in the first place. good riddance! no mater how much you loved them or miss them.

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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    i'm fine and totally get over him

    Reply to Antologia
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  • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
    Comment

    I did not realize this risk until now. I can't believe I was naive enough for these issues to escape me. It never crossed my mind that I don't even trust her enough for something like this to stay between us, and that it's possible for her to be capable of doing that to me, thinking it's helpful and appropriate. Thank you Edel. I guess I just have to do what my gut instinct tells me to do, which is to swallow my feelings and keep these thoughts to myself.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    Hey, you know when I have to get over someone, I'm always very honest with myself about how I feel and I don't allow myself to be embarrassed. I fell for someone, it happens. I miss her and wish things were otherwise, which is natural. I give myself some time to mourn and then it's moving on time.

    After the mourning time, I don't think about it. I don't dwell on how things didn't work out or how sad it all is. There's no point because it only makes me more miserable. I focus on myself and on making me happy. I'd advice you to do so too. It'll help you. I hope things get better for you and I wish you all the best.

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  • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
    Comment

    That's how my friend is. She is not religious, and is open minded even about pre-marital sex, alcohol, hijab, anything but homosexuality. It's true that it would have been a big risk if I had done this and I know I probably would have regretted it later. I appreciate the advice.

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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    True I agree. lol. I think next time when we go to a relationship we shud take a course and know whether the other person to see if we are ready :P !

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